By: Sharon Cromwell

For some, the driving force is the search for the “exotic quotient”; intentionally seeking a partner with a different ethnic background, while others are simply colour blind. Irrespective of the reason, it is undeniable that interracial dating is a rising phenomenon in Toronto. The question is, is it just a fad or has the city’s multiculturalism assumed a new dynamic? Tall, dark and handsome: the three characteristics every girl is told define the “Perfect Man.” Essentially we are taught to judge a book by its cover. Things, unfortunately, get a little more complicated as we get older. Often, that seemingly perfect, tall, dark and handsome guy turns out to be not so perfect, but rather a jerk; lacking a certain charm and chivalry that we demand, and we suddenly realize that looks aren’t everything.

Things become more complex when you start looking for your future spouse, the man (or woman) who you will not only spend the rest of your life with, but will determine what your children will act and eventually look like. And things only worsen as time goes on; new traits are added as old traits fade into the shadows. As you discover more about yourself, you begin to demand more and more from your future partner: spirituality, wealth, a sense of humour, intelligence, and the list goes on. Amidst the confusion, however, there still lurks that little girl inside of you who dreams of being swept off her feet by the Perfect Man. Maybe you still want your man to be tall— who doesn’t want a guy who’s at least their height in heels? And of course he must be handsome— physical attraction is, to some extent, mandatory for a healthy relationship. But what about the dark criterion? How important is skin colour?

In a place like Toronto, where multiculturalism defines the aesthetic of the city, where “eclectic” is the only consistent characteristic, I can’t help but wonder how strictly are Torontonians staying within their racial confines when it comes to dating? How prominent is race and ethnicity in limiting or extending our social relations, including our intimate relationships? Coming from the perspective of a woman who has dated nearly every race— from white to black, Indian to Arab, and at least one guy from each of the three monotheistic religions— I ask myself: Am I the quintessential Toronto “dater” or am I an anomaly? Personally, I find the racial variety in Toronto’s dating scene liberating, but do others feel the same? I looked close to home and too quickly found out that not everyone is ready to cross the racial barrier. “If I were white, he’d be the kind of guy I would go for,” a friend once said to me as we passed, a cute guy on St. Catherines Street. “What do you mean?” I asked, “Why would you not go for him now?” “I don’t know actually,” she responded, “I think he wouldn’t go for me.” What she meant to say is, I think he wouldn’t go for me because I’m not white.

We have all done it –flirting in line at a café, dancing at the club, catching eyes in the mall –but never take it past these meaningless and isolated encounters. It seems that people may not be ready to face the idea that that perfect someone could be of another race. Others may be open to the idea of dating outside of their race, but would prefer not to go that route. Whatever the issue may be, and despite the increasing prevalence of interracial couples, I believe that this phenomenon is oddly still a novelty for many, leaving them asking the question: what is it that drives people towards another race or away from their own?
In an attempt to answer this question, I’ve explored the reasons why some of my friends have chosen to date outside of their race.

Transcending Race Case: Afro-Caribbean female engaged to a Bengali man. In the city, regardless of one’s race and nationality, you have the ability to subscribe to nearly any culture or subculture you desire. You find Italian girls at the city’s most notorious reggae parties, Indians playing the African drums at Afrofest, Africans at Pacific Mall for Bubble Tea. As we move further away from our native cultural identities, we enter a new circle, which begins to define and influence our interests, including our romantic interests. The result? As skin colour no longer denotes one’s tastes and interests, it loses its meaning as an indicator of compatibility; besides skin colour, we may have nothing in common with a person whom society would assume is our typical match, and we may form the strongest bonds with the seemingly most unlikely partner.

The Eclectic Case: Algerian female who has dated men of white, black and Indian decent.
It seems that everybody these days strives to be “cultured,” trying different foods, attending a spectrum of events and listening to a variety of musical genres. The next course in the cultural buffet is obvious— engaging in a romantic relationship with the “ethnic other.” Why be the typical boring couple, when you can go out to eat exotic foods with your exotic girlfriend, discussing issues of politics and race on pedestrian Sunday at Kensington Market? This is for the culturally adventurous, and although this explanation appears both crude and shallow, it does not discount the substance of these relationships. Oftentimes it is the sincere appreciation one has for their partner’s culture and cultural differences that fortifies their feelings, thereby strengthening the relationship. Stereotypes Case: Black, white, Indian, Arab, Asian and Jewish men who would date everything but their own race. Although some may be drawn to other cultures, many interracial daters cite being turned off from men/women of their own race. “I can’t date Black women, they’re too boisterous,” I was once told by a Black male. Another male of Indian decent stated that he prefers not to date Indian girls because “they’re too promiscuous.” “Maybe if I could find a Jewish girl that wasn’t so…Jewish, I would date them.” Arab girls want to be pampered, Asian girls are too timid, and Caucasian girls are too wild, are amongst some of the many stereotypes I’ve heard. I have no idea where these stereotypes came from, but, believe it or not, they came from real men as reasons why they have chosen to date outside of their race.

Case: Undisclosed. Unfortunately, the politics of race relations also influences our dating choices. For example, it is widely argued that black men and women tend to “upgrade” their partners when they become more educated or obtain higher paying jobs as if being considered upper-class means shedding your intimate racial ties. This idea, I believe, spawns from a “racial inferiority-complex” –a byproduct of our multicultural society’s implicit racial hierarchy. These politics don’t only affect the black community. While researching the “Asian Fetish” for example, a friend once pointed out to me the weird “colonial” dynamic he often observes between white men and their Asian female counterpart, who plays the role of her partner’s submissive muse. Finally, there is the reverse colonial dynamic, where individuals who are disgusted by racist and colonial practices begin to identify with those victimized by such practices and, as a result, form an intimate union in a show of solidarity. In a world so divided and confused over the issue of race, it would be naive to assume that our social relations are void of such political interference.
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Regardless of the reasons someone chooses to enter an interracial relationship, the answer is simple: when it comes down to the relationship between two people, it is not about the race nor is it about the politics. It’s just two people who have conversations, who laugh together, who care about each other, and who support one another. The real secret behind interracial relations, that onlookers cannot see, is that beyond the surface, beyond the colours and beyond the appearances, there is a deeper bond holding the couple together. Interracial couples do not think of themselves as an “interracial couple.” The fact that they are of different races is often a mere accident. The preoccupation is not with the race politics, the cultural expression nor the stereotypes, but rather the attraction, compatibility and fulfillment. In short, interracial relationships are simply like any other relationship. So what does this mean for dating in a metropolitan city? Everything! Options are endless! If you choose to include yourself in the pool of potential interracial daters, almost anyone is fair game. Of course everyone has their preferences, but when you’re open to looking beyond the surface, you never know what you can find.